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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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After that, I decide to take a breather. I stroll down to Crowborough Common. It’s beautiful, man. The trees, the open space. I sit on a bench, just soaking it all in. But then, I see this squirrel. It’s staring at me like it knows my secrets. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” I swear, that little guy was judging me.

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